Cast Away

Strong

Not sure how it happened, suddenly there I was in the hospital, what’s more the mental health ward.  I don’t remember being admitted, for that matter do not remember much about arriving at the hospital.  My last memory was me running into my bathroom and downing a bottle of sleeping pills.

Before all of that. Let me back up I knew something was happening, sliding into the abyss.  Here I was in Toronto living in a rooming house because my second marriage had just ended.  Trying to keep things together at my job, manager of the breakfast shift at a fast food franchise.  That didn’t last either, I handed in the keys, outfit and waved goodbye. 

Around the corner was a walk in clinic which I had used before.  There I was telling a doctor how I was feeling, the feeling like I was on an island and the water was rising all around me.  Ten minutes later prescription of Prozac in my hand.

I can imagine this is not strange for some who read this, but, to me it was defeating.  My head felt like it was twice it’s weight.  My arms and legs heavy like iron, I was moving but not connected to reality.

Finally I moved out of Toronto away from the rat race. I moved back to the area near where I use to live.  A bachelor apartment on the main level of a converted house.  Down the street a new grocery store had just opened twenty – four seven.  My friend went with me to buy some groceries.  I thought I was safe going at midnight avoiding a lot of people. I was wrong, a cart full of groceries and then a severe panic attack. I left the cart and bolted for home.

So, that was the slow spiraling trip as a cast away!

(the story continues)

 

 

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Comments (

14

)

  1. Linda Vogt Turner

    wanting to end the pain of failure and rejection with pills and then when the pills just dull the pain…and don’t resolve anything. It’s understandable you would want the hope of living in the bliss of heaven that people say is there when people die. So now I am curious. What happened. Some would say…It’s a miracle. The sleeping pills did not end your life here and transport you to heaven. Others might say…God intervened cuz there is something that you must do here. So I’m waiting to hear your take on your near death experience.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Rethinking Scripture

      Linda, I am not sure what really happened after I took the sleeping pills. I don’t know how I made it to the hospital.
      There are blanks in my memory, things are blurry.
      Things didn’t stop there. Again in 2004 I found myself again at the Emergency here where I live. I was admitted to the mental health ward. I would have several more stays before my psychiatrist found the right med cocktail that worked for me. I am still on meds to keep me stable.

      Like

      1. Linda Vogt Turner

        Well I think it is awesome and a real miracle that you are still alive and that you are on meds that keep you stable.

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Rethinking Scripture

          To be honest and this sounds crass but I use to joke and say “I’m too stupid to lay down and die”.
          I am stable but still have some rather down days, but, suicidal thoughts are far from me.
          I know I have my support in place and can have help right away.

          Like

  2. Angie

    “My arms and legs heavy like iron, I was moving but not connected to reality.”
    I get this.
    I still feel this way a lot but I have better tools (I guess you could say) to bring myself out of this state.
    I was found in the early morning hours when I was probably 15 or 16 by my friends laying in the middle of the highway just outside of North Battleford. I remember how nice that highway felt and how I finally felt like I could just relax. It was so incredibly peaceful just lying there. I’m also pretty darn glad my friends convinced me (or maybe they dragged me) to get off the road! I still have thoughts of harming myself but I try to shake it off because I’m told that it’s very normal. It’s just not normal to carry out those thoughts.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Chelsea Owens

    Wow. I’m sorry you had this happen, but appreciate your opening up about these feelings.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Rethinking Scripture

      Chelsea, thank you for your kind words!
      This incident was way back in the early nineties.
      My journey probably started earlier than that but this incident was truly the mark that started me down the bi-polar life.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Chelsea Owens

        I’ll stay posted. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Rethinking Scripture

          Chelsea, as one pundit said, “watch this space”..lol

          Liked by 1 person

  4. Ricky Talks

    Man oh man is this heavy. I’ve always had the intuition myself knowing that I was depressed right in the moment or that I was becoming more depressed. It’s a terrible feeling and to keep having unfortunate things happen back to back like you did makes it that much worse. I hope the best for you and I’ll be watching out for the rest of your story as well. God bless.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Rethinking Scripture

      Funny you should mention the next part of my story. I am in the middle of writing it at this very moment.(1/17/20 8:19 p.m.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Ricky Talks

        I look forward to seeing it. Try not to get writers cramp though stretch and relax if you need to as well because that is a heavy topic your speaking on.

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Rethinking Scripture

          Thanks for the tips! As a teenager I have been known to study the Bible hour upon hour.

          Liked by 1 person

          1. Ricky Talks

            That’s strong of you and shows your mental strength as well not many seek out the Bible at that age.

            Like

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