Circumstances do not determine state of being; state of being determines circumstances.
Before 2004 and my first true in house treatment my life was one big erratic mess. No control over finances, emotions, relationships. Always running from circumstance to circumstance. Circumstances dictated my mood, I was just always swirling in a cloud of crisis’.
My inner being trying to be what I thought everyone wanted me to be, trying to be what I thought was my life’s calling. Yet, the closer I got to my goal, the farther it seemed to move away. Inwardly I was having self doubts, I began to place what I thought I believed under a microscope. I was about to crash and crash largely.
I look back at all of the situations I found myself in and for the life of me I do not know how I survived with anything intact.
There are times between that first big crash and my next brush with mental health in 2004 that are blank. Literally, I have no recognition of certain times and places. The one incident that is ingrained in my memory is my first birthday in 2000 after my mother’s death. I woke up that morning anxiously waiting for the mail to arrive. Finally it arrived, went to the front door to check the mail box expecting a card from my mother. Of course there wasn’t one, how could there be she is gone. I sat in my arm chair and cried probably that whole day.
I write these things now for I have seemed to find peace in opening up with these thoughts, these glimpses of life however chaotic it was.
I know now that I can no longer let circumstances change me, I must change circumstances to be able to be free to move forward, to see life in a different light. Not like a young pup who hasn’t yet figured out that no matter how much he chases that tail he will never catch it.
So, I will not let circumstances no matter how dire change me, I will set about to change circumstances!