The point about manic depression or bipolar disorder, as it’s now more commonly called, is that it’s about mood swings. So, you have an elevated mood. When people think of manic depression, they only hear the word depression. They think one’s a depressive. The point is, one’s a manic-depressive. Stephen Fry
On Wednesday I sat down to write a post. My mood was upset because I watched some of the witnesses of the George Floyd trial. I saw these witnesses, who were bystanders in May 2020 , break into tears. Almost a year has past and still the trauma deeply affected each of them. One man, sixty-one years old, broke and buried his head on the witness stand sobbing uncontrollably. It was quite traumatic that the judge saying to take a ten minute break.
As I tried to write about the what I saw was the defendant sat in his chair unmoved, and wrote on a yellow legal pad. It bothered me that a man could look so cold and unfeeling, the total opposite of what was happening on the witness stand. As I kept watching the two pictures I found myself becoming angry, angry not at the witnesses, but at the former police officer. Angry at seeing the video of the former officer with his knee on the head of Mr. Floyd.
I could feel myself going down the rabbit hole and my writing was turning dark. I began to rant about what I saw and heard on the trial. I realized that the mood I was writing in was not good or healthy . I deleted that post and it has been two days since that first attempt to write a post.
Mood swings in the past was a big issue for me. I could go from calm to an over wrought angry person. I truly thought that I had overcome those swings. I also found that men my age also go through something like the change of life, similar to women going through menopause.
Back in the early nineties it was anger that caused me to grab a bottle of sleeping pills and down them. It was just that day going from a calm peaceful start in the day, to erupting in a fit of anger. The result of that was being committed to the mental health ward for the better part of the month.
Before I started treatment back in 2004 my moods were always on a wire. I just couldn’t find a balance, one step the wrong way and down I went. Mood swings would take me on a roller coaster of highs and deep lows of depression. The highs would find me staying up all hours of the day and night. The deep lows of depression found me living on coffee and cigarettes.
So dear reader, my question is this, does anyone else experience these intense mood swings? Do you have your moods on a wire? How do you deal with them?